In case I fall asleep, wake me up

I begin this post with a marvellous quote from a marvellous movie.


But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you.

-Sean (Good Will Hunting)

When I first heard this in the movie I had to rewind it and listen to it again. I could remember a time when I thought I had felt parts of that exact description. I had somewhat forgotten the feelings even existed, but when I heard Robin Williams speak these things it brought back specific sensations that words can hardly describe.

When your in a long relationship with someone it is very easy to forget the simple complex beauty that attracted you to that person in the first place. You always remember how "hot" they were when you first saw the person. You never forget that your girlfriend or boyfriend is super good looking. But, how often have you felt that complete vulnerability. That feeling where all the shyness and nervousness is gone. It's just you and the person in front of you. When was the last time you felt the mesmerizing quality that attracted you to the person in the first place. In the previously described moment it is very easy to love the person. It's very easy to love the person when they are nice, logical, and pretty. But as soon as they are mean, irrational, and down right ugly, this is where the "rubber meets the road".

The quote from the movie has different meanings. A girl has the power to melt you with her beauty and spectacular appearance. She also has the power to make you vulnerable in her weakness. You know that she is being stupid, you know that she is freaking ugly sometimes, but it's up to you to act in the situation of the moment. She looks at you. Waiting for you to act. How are you going to treat her. She makes you vulnerable, completely vulnerable. She levels your defenses. All the pressure is on you, and it's your responsibility. Are you going to fail her? She is totally at your mercy, she is vulnerable because she depends on you, but at the same time your different vulnerabilities are joined together.

The problem that I always have is actually very simple. I could never ever desire anything more than the attention and friendship of a specific girl. "God, if you allow her to like me back, I will never need anything ever again." This is a common prayer in my book. And then there is the exact point in time, where the realisation that the person likes you back, settles itself in the crevices of your mind. You sleep, thinking about it. You eat, thinking about it. You sit through school, being distracted by it, and on and on it goes. In my lifetime I have never experienced the quote. I thought I had experienced parts, but never the quote in its entirety. The only time I had a chance got foiled by the sheer distance separating me from the girl I liked. Every chance I got to see her I was way too nervous to be vulnerable. Every time I saw her I was far too shy to experience the leveling of her eyes. She never really waited for me to act. I was never ever vulnerable in front of her. No pressure. It was far too superficial.

Everyone thinks every girl or boy they like is an angel put on earth for them by God. Then someone else comes along. I like the order of the words in the quote. Vulnerability and then Redemption. You can't truly feel that God has given you an angel until you're really vulnerable. When each person is vulnerable the chance to get a look behind the scenes is made possible. What makes this person. This is how you learn each other. If no one is vulnerable, if no one trusts, nothing is accomplished, nothing is learned. You can't go from not being vulnerable before marriage, because it's "dangerous", to neccessarily being vulnerable after marriage. It won't work. Practice makes diligent and diligence makes wonderful. Relationships are very simple, real relationships are difficult. Only God can smooth the journey to fulfill the emotions and realities in the quote.

I may have never began to experience this quote, perhaps, until recently...